I'm sitting in my bathroom and all the emotions I am capable of feel are consuming me. I cannot breathe. I am in shock, even though I knew long before I ever saw the confirmation.
The first part of this story starts about a year prior to this moment of sheer excitement and terror.
May 09,2017 is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It was the day that I found out I was the 1 of 4 pregnancies that end in miscarriage, I thought to myself I would NEVER put myself in the position for this to be a possibility again. If that meant never getting pregnant again that was fine with me. I just knew I could not make it through that pain. But I also didn't feel entitled to the pain I was feeling. That made my healing process long and very very hard. I finally came to the conclusion that it was fine for me to grieve the loss of my child. Despite that fact that I never saw the baby, never heard a heartbeat, & never saw it. I was a mother, grieving the loss of her child.
After a few months of therapy I decided I was actually ready to go ahead and try again. After all I thought I worked through all my unresolved issues. I told myself "I'll be pregnant by May" after all doctors say it takes a perfectly healthy couple about a year to conceive when they are trying. When May rolled around and I wasn't pregnant yet I said to Keith "Maybe it's just not time for us yet it's cool I've got time we can get fucked up all summer" then BOOM! As if to teach me some type of life lesson 2 weeks later I am in the bathroom looking at this positive result in complete shock. I'm not sure if the shock was a result of the anger I felt since I had been ACTIVELY been trying with no results or because I realized there was no summer of partying in store for me either way it was real.
Now a million thoughts are running through my mind and I am BAWLING y'all I mean crying gigantic tears for about 30 minutes, "What if it happens again?, What if I make it further and it still happens? What if what if what if?" Almost immediately my instincts kicked in, I needed to calm down all those stress hormones could not be good for the baby. That thought alone made me realize we would make it through anything. Now I felt dread all the way up to the first ultrasound, then my stress pretty much disappeared to be replaced with the most severe baby fever I have ever felt in my life.
I'm not gonna lie between 4 and 6 weeks pregnant I was like "this is great so easy such a breeze can't even tell i'm pregnant" while simultaneously praying for signs so that I could feel pregnant just as reassurance. WELLLLLLLLLL you guys, that was not a good idea from weeks 7 to 13 I had THE WORST morning sickness. So bad that I couldn't eat ANYTHING but soup and fruit during this time I lost 13lbs. This was honestly the worst part of my pregnancy, but even then I didn't feel like I should complain. After all I wanted this why would I complain about something I asked for. I was just trying to make it to the next ultrasound to be once again reassured that everything was going well. Like I said before pregnancy after miscarriage is a lot to take in. It's days full of paranoia and just trying to make it to the next milestone. So to be honest the first 4 months I spent worrying. Then it happened, the FIRST movement I could feel. Finally comfortable enough with my pregnancy I went ahead and announced.....
While this story is still in the works I see a happy ending. I learned not to obsess over things that are out of my control. Sometime things happen for a reason is the last thing you want to hear when you experience a tragedy but it may be the only thing that remains true through it all. Miscarriage is not something that people talk about often, I know how it feels to feel like you can't really talk to anyone about how you're feeling that's why I will always offer an ear or a shoulder to cry on. If you need me you know where to find me.